Cheating Fate
by 1tskillingm3
Summary: Once Oikawa started to notice it he couldn't stop. Every time new people came he started to watch for the shift... the sudden need for bracelets or bandages or sloppily applied make-up. The flushed faces and hopeful glances whenever they talked to his friend. And sometimes, if they were careless, he'd see the name written clearly on them: Iwaizumi Hajime
1. Chapter 1

Oikawa remembered when he and Iwaizumi had been young… when he'd been certain that the rough Kanji on his hip meant that his relationship with his friend was different than it was for everybody else… That they had something unique and special.

Realizing that this was not the case was a slow and devastating process.

First had been the fact that Iwaizumi didn't have his name in return. He wasn't bothered by this fact, most people didn't get their names till their teens. The most common time for names to appear was in the late teens early twenties, though there were exceptions of course. Not to mention it was widely believed that if you lived in close proximity to your soulmate that names were supposed to appear faster (a big reason why many young couples choose to try living together so early in their relationship, hoping to discover that they were each other's intended). So there had been no reason to worry at first. Not to mention Oikawa had taken the fact that he had gotten his soulmates name before he even hit the double digits of age as a sign of specialness. He always figured that Iwaizumi would get his name once they matured a bit more.

The day it had appeared he'd run over to Iwaizumi's house and nearly pulled down his pants in his excitement to show his friend the soulmark sitting low on his hip. Then he'd given him a big wet kiss on the mouth. Iwaizumi had spluttered and turned crimson and then hollered about that being nasty while Oikawa had giggled on the floor. It had been great.

Not till they were in middle school did the doubt start to creep in.

Oikawa almost hadn't believed it when he'd first seen someone else with Iwaizumi's name on them. She'd been a shy girl, pretty, one of Oikawa's fans actually. He couldn't remember her name. Then one day she'd timidly asking to borrow an pencil from him and when she'd reached out to take it the edge of her sleeve pulled back to reveal his friend's name black against her pale skin.

He'd hid his unease and teased Iwaizumi mercilessly about the girl, offering to set them up and so and so forth. He'd gotten smacked for his theatrics and that had been the end of that. Or so he'd thought.

Then he's seen someone else with Iwaizumi's name, then another, and then another and another. Anxiousness began to creep up within him steadily with each sighting, each curious and flustered glance at his friend.

"Has your soulmark appeared?" Oikawa had started to demand of his friend regularly. Never if his 'soulmate' appeared because Oikawa had still hoped that it'd be him, though the doubt was growing stronger each day.

"No, stop asking." Iwaizumi would grumble.

"Maybe it's somewhere you can't see on yourself, let me check."

"I am not stripping for you, you weirdo." Iwaizumi would shoot back, but often he would cave and let Oikawa look nervously for a name, though there never was one.

"You'll tell me the moment your soulmark appears right? No matter who it is?" Oikawa would ask often, the cracks in his bravado showing.

"Of course dummy, you'll be the first to know." Iwaizumi would promise, always gentler and less gruff when Oikawa got like this.

At first that was enough to settle him, but soon that began to change too.

People started approaching Iwaizumi. Now if it were for simple confessions Oikawa didn't think he'd mind so much, he got large number of those quite regularly himself, but these were people for whom Iwaizumi was their soulmate. These were people who wanted to know if Iwaizumi had their name, wanted to try and date him and see if their names would appear once they discovered that he didn't. Some were shy. Some were so freaking confident that Iwaizumi was supposed to be with them that Oikawa daydreamed about stabbing them. Especially the beautiful ones. Oikawa never claimed to be above jealousy. He'd ranted to his sister about it and she'd just laughed at him.

"Some people are just like that Touru," she'd said waving her hand vaguely, "What would you call it? Easily accommodateble? If that's even a word. I don't know. Many of the qualities that would make a perfect match are actually fairly generic, like if someone is particularly devoted, or kind, or willing to compromise… or even call people out on their shit, lots of people need someone like that. And when someone has quite a few of those qualities then they are usually able to be compatible with a wide range of people."

"So… Iwa-chan could be fated to be with any of these people? Just anyone would do?" Oikawa had asked miserably.

"Not… just anyone. Our Iwa-chan doesn't have anybody's name despite being compatible with so many people, so we can deduce that while _he_ is a lot of people's perfect guy, not many people are suited for _him._ " His sister had said thoughtfully.

"…That doesn't make me feel better." Oikawa had grumbled.

"Aw, cheer up little bro! Soulmates are over rated, screw fate, go date someone you like and work out the details later."

"Says the person who eloped with their truemate in high school and had a kid- ack!" Oikawa's sister had shut him up as she often did by tickling him till he could hardly breathe.

Oikawa had tried to put the worry of soulmates from his mind and focus on his studies and more importantly on volleyball. It didn't help that he knew several team members had Iwaizumi's name. He would try to tell himself that despite all the offers that his friend got, he still stayed by _his_ side and that- that had to mean something.

Then all the excuses came crashing down. Because of Kageyama Tobio no less.

Oikawa was at the point where he stopped trying to tell who had Iwaizumi's name and just assumed that they either had it or develop it soon enough. But it was obvious for Kageyama even if Oikawa never saw evidence of a soulmark. The way that the first year looked at his childhood friend with stars in his eyes spoke volumes. It would have been cute, except that Iwaizumi responded to it. Warmly. Supportively. It hurt to watch them around each other and Oikawa didn't know why for a while. Just tried to hog his friend as much as possible and push away the small setter.

And then suddenly it all clicked into place for him.

He had been coming from a meeting with the coach when he had seen Kageyama practicing his tosses with Iwaizumi. This wasn't all that unusual, but it suddenly registered very acutely the pinpoint way Kageyama was setting. The fact that he was setting for his friend in a way that Oikawa with all his hard work never would be able to.

In that moment, a sick feeling grown in his stomach and then never left.

All he could see in his head was Iwaizumi's blank skin as his mind whispered _not combatable, not good enough._ All that would come to mind were images of Kageyama and Ushijima and the nasty _inferior._

All he could see were all the other people who also had Iwaizumi's name and all Oikawa could seem to think of himself was one word:

 _Replaceable._


	2. Chapter 2

High School was going to end differently.

In High School he was finally going to succeed. By his third year, Oikawa was sure that he could do it. His grades were stellar, he'd gotten selected as team captain again, he'd gotten scouted for the volleyball team at the University of Tokyo, Seijou's team had never been better and he was sure that this time they'd beat Shiratorizawa. And he didn't care one bit about Soulmates anymore.

Really, he didn't.

Most of the team had Iwaizumi's name by now. Heck, most of the school had his name. It was like a right of passage now. No longer did someone else having Iwaizumi's name fill him with jealousy. He had come to terms now with the fact that it didn't really mean anything special. Oikawa mostly thought it was funny now. He, Makki, and Matsukawa liked to tease Iwaizumi endlessly about it… that activity came with the risk of bodily harm, but it was so worth it.

"Okay, okay, nice job everybody~ Go ahead and pack up for the day!" Oikawa beamed at his team.

"Thank you for your hard work!" the team parroted back as they began to hurry through the motions of cleaning up the Gym.

"Iwa-chan, your spikes were even scarier than usual today." Oikawa noted as he spun a volleyball in his hands before tossing it into the bin his friend was pushing onto the court.

"Yeah, well, your fan-club was pissing me off. They're so damn noisy." Scowled Iwaizumi jerking his chin towards the stands where a clump of giggling girls were snapping pictures of the team on their phones and whispering to one another as they glanced Oikawa's way.

He waved cheerily at them and Iwaizumi's frown lines seemed to deepen.

"Jealousy is unbecoming Iwa-chan." He informed his friend while he preened internally over the attention.

"Hah? Who the fuck would be jealous?" scowled Iwaizumi shoving his head and stomping past.

"Ne, he's right though." Drawled Makki sliding over to him with a grin speaking loud enough that Iwaizumi could still hear, "There's no way he could be jealous when our big buff bara has the whole world as his fan club."

"Shut your face Makki!" Iwaizumi called over his shoulder, though his ears turned red. He was always painfully flustered whenever someone mentioned how many people had his name as their soulmark. It was disgustingly cute.

"Yeah, you may have a hell a lot of admirers but Iwaizumi's admirers double as his soulmate's. They looooove him. I think he wins." Grinned Matsukawa throwing and arm around him.

If his friends had any idea how much the reminder hurt him Oikawa doubted any of them would bring it up.

"Ah soulmates are _so_ last decade. Get with the times, unattached love affairs are so _in_ right now." Said Oikawa in a mock preppy voice. The other two snorted and Iwaizumi growled at them to stop acting like idiots and help the underclassmen clean up.

Oikawa teased and chatted all through the end of clean up to cover up the sick feeling sitting gross and heavy in his stomach. He slipped away to go chat with the girls in the stands and that helped a little bit. Until Iwaizumi came to tell him off and he caught the change in expression on his fan-girls faces. They looked at Oikawa with giddiness and sometimes playfully lusty looks. And Oikawa preened off of those, he really did. But they looked at Iwaizumi shyly, with stars in their eyes, with soft affection, with burning… _something._ Want, for lack of a better word.

Oikawa was beginning to realize that he wanted someone to look at him like that. To want him like that. Just one person would be enough.

"Oi, what's up?" asked Iwaizumi nudging him with his shoulder as they talked home.

"Do you ever wonder-?" Oikawa stopped himself. Iwaizumi was the wrong person to talk about this kind of stuff.

"What?" asked Iwaizumi.

"Never mind." Oikawa muttered. Iwaizumi's frown deepened but before he could wheedle out the information Oikawa changed the subject to the up coming match with Karasuno and different strategies they could employ. He could tell that Iwaizumi was still watching him closely, probably would be for the next couple days, and that honestly made the feeling in his stomach worse. How pathetic did he have to be to need his best friend to consistently keep an eye on him just to make sure he didn't spontaneously self-destruct?

No wonder no one had his name.

Oikawa forced himself to think about other things as they walked back and tried to bring up his own mood. If he started to get too depressed then Iwaizumi would see through him in an instant. He'd probably not let Oikawa go to school the next day and spend the day just taking care of him and making sure he felt completely cared for. If he was honest, Oikawa kind of needed that. But Oikawa rather detested being honest with himself, and his grades most certainly didn't need him missing a day especially since it was his third year and he already worked so hard to make sure that school never interfered with volleyball. Not to mention he couldn't just ditch a day of practice because he was feeling sad. He was captain! People looked up to him!(or at least he hoped he was the kind of person people looked up to) He couldn't just be so irresponsible.

He kind of low key wanted to puke, but then someone really would keep him home.

"Hey, you sure you're alright?" Iwaizumi asked in a much softer voice than usual. A voice that Oikawa associated with late nights sprawling on the roof starwatching talking until both their public personas fell away. A voice he associated with safety.

Oikawa's eyes fluttered slightly and his chest twisted with _want_ for that gentleness.

"Yeah," Oikawa forced himself to lie instead, then added because Iwaizumi obviously didn't buy it, "Just a bit tired out, it was a long day. I think I need to go to bed early and finish my homework in the morning. It's kind of irritating me."

"Ah," said Iwaizumi and Oikawa caught the edge of relief in his eyes, "That's probably a good idea."

"Aw, was mama Iwa-chan worrying about little old me?" Oikawa teased throwing an arm around his shoulder. He expected to be elbowed in the gut till he let go and was surprised when Iwaizumi let him stay. He really must have been worrying him.

"Shut up. I am not anybody's mom." Grumbled Iwaizumi.

"On the contrary! You're practically the Team Mom™! Ahh, I should call Makki and Matsu and get them to help me make you a T-shirt!"

"Do that and you are all dead."

Oikawa laughed, this one wasn't all that fake and he caught a twitch in Iwaizumi's mouth as he tried hard to look angry but was struggling not to smile.

Yeah, his life was pretty good, everything was looking up. He just needed to stop being a crybaby.

"Now, what is unique about Marie and Robert's relationship that we don't see in many other books?" the teacher asked. Oikawa tried not to fall asleep. Contrary to what he'd told Iwaizumi, he'd stayed up most of the night getting ahead in his homework and only managed a few hours of sleep. Not that it mattered, he wouldn't have been able to sleep much anyway with how he was feeling and homework was a nice distraction. He felt tired all the time anyways regardless of how much sleep he got the night before these days.

"They hated each other yet they were soulmates?" suggested a student up front. Oikawa sighed, he hated his western literature class. Not that he particularly liked taking Japanese literature either. They were always either really boring, really depressing, or kind of stupid. Or all three. He was only in this class because it was considered a college level class to take in high school and would look really good on his transcript.

"That certainly is an interesting aspect of it, though not something particularly unique. Anyone else notice it?" asked the teacher looking around, all the students carefully taking notes or just generally avoiding eye contact. To Oikawa's surprise, Iwaizumi raised his hand.

"They had known each other for most of their lives and only got a soulmark later." He said flatly. The teacher beamed.

"Precisely! Most Soulmarks manifest between the ages of 15 and 25 when a person is settling into their identity. Usually it is assumed that when people know one another all through this period of time and don't obtain the other's name they are fundamentally unsuited for each other in some way." The teacher preached enthusiastically, Oikawa closed his eyes and tried to block out her words. He didn't want to think about being fundamentally unsuitable.

"But sometimes, very rarely, people go through a phase of extraordinary character development that shifts a lot of their core personality and values. Usually these changes are only top level and so they don't affect soulmates. But when changes are _that_ transformative…" the teacher smiled secretly, "well, then those who would be previously mismatched may find themselves _clicking_ together."

Oikawa hoped he didn't raise head too quickly or obviously at that.

"Think on that. I want your papers on what those changes might have been for Marie and Robert to be ready on Monday." The teacher said dismissing them. Oikawa swallowed and quickly stashed his books in his bag.

"That was such utter bullshit. I hate that teacher." Growled Iwaizumi when they got out of the classroom.

"You don't think that a person can change enough to become" _good enough to be "_ someone's soulmate if they weren't initially?" asked Oikawa trying to make it sound like a joke. Iwaizumi didn't look at him but stared straight ahead and ground his teeth.

"No, that's not it." He said, and Oikawa internally sighed in relief, "It was all that stupid incompatible/combatable shit people always spout when it comes to soulmates. It's not about being "perfect" for each other. Having the correct personality traits to work well with someone does not mean you'd actually work well with that someone."

"I guess." Said Oikawa shrugging though he wasn't listening all that much, he was still rolling the teachers suggestion around in his head ' _significant enough character development that would make previously incompatible people compatible…'_

"Like fuck, Robert killed Marie's family and she got messed up enough over getting revenge that she ended up becoming a total psychopath. Just because they were both fucked up in the same way doesn't mean they would make good lovers, it just means that they're both fucked up." Iwaizumi continued to rant.

"Iwa-chan is a romantic." Said Oikawa with a bemused smile.

"You don't have to be a romantic to see that that way of thinking is like fucking poison. And it's such shit that people let it be taught in schools." Huffed Iwaizumi fixing Oikawa with a look.

"You going to go all justice-y and fix the system Iwa-chan?" teased Oikawa.

"Tch, shut it you. I am being serious." Iwaizumi kicked him.

"Ow, so abusive," pouted Oikawa before dropping the façade for a moment, "And you know I also wish they'd shut up about all the soulmate stuff."

"Yeah, it just always manages to piss me off." Sighed Iwaizumi.

"Understandable. Now go grab up a spot on the roof for lunch, I've gotta go pee."

"Thank you for that completely unnecessary information shitty-kawa."

"Always a pleasure." Oikawa winked and strode away.

Oikawa did end up going into the bathrooms but he didn't need to use it. He just locked himself in a stall and shoved his pants slightly out of the way to trace his fingers along his friend's name on him.

 _Enough Character development to get become a compatible person…_

Oikawa wondered what his name might look like on someone. Anyone really.

 _These are the years that identities are developed. This is the best time to try and become worthy enough that someone will get my name._

Maybe he hadn't been doing enough yet and that was why. He supposed he'd just have to try harder.

"You." Iwaizumi practically snarled at him.

"Me?" Oikawa retorted batting his eyelashes.

"Go fucking sit your ass on the bench." Iwaizumi commanded.

"Wah? Whyyyyyy." Complained Oikawa as his friend bodily dragged him off the court and pushed him into a seat.

"You're over working yourself. You're going to mess up your knee again." Iwaizumi accused him.

"Hey! I've been very careful about stretching it properly and resting it!" Oikawa objected dropping his playful act and scowling back at him.

"Really? Resting it by your standards or by the doctors?" Iwaizumi snapped.

"By the doctors. Also fuck you. I am not stupid. I can learn from my mistakes, I won't mess it up again." Growled Oikawa his voice raising ever so slightly. He had to stop this. The team had stopped playing to stare at them. It wasn't abnormal for Iwaizumi to yell at Oikawa, but it was for Oikawa to get genuinely angry back. Oikawa sighed and looked away. He didn't want to fight. He was just… he was so _tired_ and it was making him fuck all sort of things up and he knew it. But no matter what he did the tiredness wouldn't seem to go _away._ It seemed to have made it's home as a permanent fixture deep in his bones.

"Well it sure as hell doesn't look like it." Iwaizumi shot back. Oikawa bit his lip. That one hurt, and Iwaizumi seemed to know it because he looked immediately guilty, "Fuck… sorry, just… What the hell is going on with you? You've seemed almost… fixated lately and you're absolutely trashing yourself and I can't stand it. I can't just sit and watch you hurt yourself like this."

His voice was soft enough that the team couldn't hear him. Somehow though, those words hurt more. Iwaizumi reached out and Oikawa pulled away before he could touch him. There was a flicker of hurt across Iwaizumi's face and Oikawa felt a small twist of satisfaction in his gut. At least he wasn't the only one hurt. That satisfaction quickly turned to self-disgust. What was wrong with him? This was why he'd never be anyone's soulmate. He was a horrible person.

"Can we not talk about this right now?" Oikawa mumbled.

"Fine." There was charged emotion in that word, but Oikawa refused to try and interpret it. Refused to watch his friend walk back onto the court. Instead he grabbed a towel and wiped off the sweat from his face and neck. He could tell without looking that his teammates were stealing glances at him. Oikawa grabbed his water bottle and took a drink. He knew that Iwaizumi would not be looking at him. The setter began carefully stretching out his leg. At least no one from his fan club was here today to witness that, so hopefully his lapse in composer wouldn't make school wide gossip.

"You okay?" asked their manager hesitantly sitting down next to him.

"Yeah," Oikawa sent him a reassuring smile, "I've just had a few late nights because of school work. I'll be as good as new once I get a good night's sleep."

"Oh, yes, please do." Said the manager relaxing a bit.

"And don't worry about Iwa-chan. We fight all the time, we'll make up after practice." Oikawa said knowingly.

"Of course, if you need anything just let me or the coach know okay? The team relies on you." The manager smiled, his faith restored, standing to go back and make notes on the different players.

"Will do~" Oikawa sang. Such a piece of shit. He was such a royal piece of shit. He was supposed to hold this team together. Be a role model for his underclassman. Why was he such a failure?

Oikawa took the opportunity to analyze each of the team members and how they were doing, making note of possible training routines that would help them improve on their individual strengths and weaknesses. Possible strategies to employ against various opposing teams that would optimize their playing. He'd go over the ideas with the coach later.

By the time practice was over Oikawa had mostly gotten his emotions back under control and his normal persona firmly in place again. He hummed cheerily as he followed his teammates back to the showers. Makki and Matsukawa only paused for a second before they fell into chatter with him the way they normally did. What was better was that it only felt forced for the first moment or two.

"Waaaah?! You two are truemates? Why didn't you tell anyone!?" Yahaba's voice suddenly rang out. Oikawa turned curiously with the rest of the team to stare at Yahaba who was standing in front of a crimson and flushing Kindaichi and an irritated looking(though slightly flushed) Kunimi.

"Because it wasn't anyone's business." Retorted Kunimi pointedly.

"We just- um- you know, found out so we've been taking it kind of slow…" said Kindaichi waving his hands defensively in front of him.

Oikawa felt very cold.

"Oho? What's this? Are our two awkward little saplings finally starting to grow up?" Teased Oikawa leaning on Matsukawa in what he hoped looked like haughty interest. He was rewarded by Kindaichi turning an even darker shade of red. It didn't really do much for the cold sweeping though him. He knew at least Kindaichi had Iwaizumi's name also. He wouldn't be surprised if Kunimi did too.

"Soooo, you guys going to show us?" prodded Makki.

'No' thought Oikawa, 'I really don't want to see this'

He couldn't look away though as Kindaichi shyly showed them the black characters on his back. Not unlike Iwaizumi's name scribbled on his wrist. Then, with a little more prodding Kunimi slid down his sleeve and showed his soulmark on his shoulder. The team cooed and teased and congratulated them. Oikawa did too.

But his breathing felt very forced under the weight of how strong his jealousy was.

Iwaizumi had been fairly quite the whole time, but when the newly exposed couple both uncertainly looked to him for reassurance Iwaizumi smiled at them fondly (if not a bit sadly, though Oikawa was probably the only one who knew him well enough to catch that part).

"You two take care of each other." He ordered them gruffly. Kindaichi nodded vigorously and Kunimi flushed slightly and looked pleased by his approval. Oikawa didn't blame either of them. Iwaizumi had probably been both of their first love's.

There was a lot of chatter and overly personal questions after that that Oikawa took part in enthusiastically for as long as he could manage before he excused himself with the saying he'd love to stay but he had a lot of homework. The team waved him off, their attention completely stolen by their two cute first years allowing Oikawa to slip away.

He walked part way home before he stopped suddenly and look a detour into a nearby park. Walked aimlessly until he reached the deserted playground. Letting his bag drop into the sand and flopped onto the bottom of the slide. It kinda smelled like feet. Oikawa couldn't bring himself to care, just stared up the stars that had come out and counted the seconds between each breath, holding it for as long as he could before it puffed out between his lips.

"Touru." Oikawa closed his eyes. Didn't even ask if Iwaizumi had followed him here or if he'd just somehow _known_ that this was where Oikawa would end up. He heard the sound of his friend kneeling down in the sand in front of him. Felt him rub gentle circles into his knee before sliding up to grasp one of his limp hands.

"Touru, please." His friend murmured. Oikawa felt his lower lip tremble. Felt a choked whimper escape his treacherous lips. And then Iwaizumi was grasping him more firmly and pulling him off the slide down into the sand with him. Wrapped him up in safe familiar arms and body as much as possible. Oikawa choked on one sound, then another, his walls falling completely apart as usual in the face of Iwaizumi's gentleness.

"Breathe… I've got you…" Iwaizumi murmured pressing his face into Oikawa's hair, tangling their legs together and holding him tight. Sand was going to get everywhere but… but…

"Hajime what's wrong with me? Something must be wrong." Oikawa finally choked out.

"Nothing is wrong with you." Growled Iwaizumi firmly clutching him tighter. Oikawa shook his head.

"No, no, there must be. I can't seem to- it's always- Everything is fine. There's nothing _wrong_ , so why… why am I like this? Why do I get so messed up about the little things?" he asked.

 _Why am I never good enough?_

"Touru, Touru, god…" Iwaizumi choked out cradling him, holding him protectively, tightly, as if he wanted to ward away all the bad thoughts and feelings.

"I should be happy. Things are good right now, but I am just-" Oikawa couldn't raise his head. Couldn't deal- "why am so _wrong_?"

"No, god, no Touru never. It's not true- fuck I am so sorry, how long have you been _thinking_ this?" said Iwaizumi, his voice sounding rough and horse. He stroked his hair, his back, fiercely shot down all the ugly things that Touru felt himself. Told him how good he was, how hard working, how talented, how special. And even if Oikawa knew it was all lies, it was nice to hear. Nice to let himself fall apart knowing that he was safe in the arms of this man. Oh how he wanted to be able to keep him. But more than that, he was beginning to realize…

' _I want to be wanted. More than getting the person who_ _ **I**_ _want. If there was just one person that I could be good enough for, that would be enough.'_

 ** _Note:_** So obviously (or hopefully obviously)Oikawa is dealing with some depression and I want to note that he's not dealing with it very well. The world has a narrative that you can't take a sick day when your depression is really high because you're physically "perfectly fine". You're not, depression is called a metal illness for a reason; you _are_ sick but just not in the way that employers and teachers usually think of it. But you deserve recovery days just as much as someone with a cold.

Another note, depression doesn't just come when stuff in your life is really shitty and hard. Often it comes when things are really _good_ , which is annoying on a lot of levels, but mostly because its more obvious how illogical all the shitty emotions are and it gets harder not to tell yourself to suck it up.


	3. Chapter 3

Oikawa starts to date. A lot.

He pretends he doesn't know what he's doing. It's so much easier to pretend he's okay with it all. To pretend that this is something he genuinely wants. Something that he doesn't need to be disgusted at himself at doing.

No, it is something he wants, he tells himself. He wants to feel loved and he's finally getting that.

Sort of. A bit. Sometimes. Not really.

But at least he's trying? And if he kind of hates himself it's probably because hating himself is something that has started to become second nature. Nothing new there. Certainly nothing he wants to dwell on in any event.

The girls he dates are mostly fans. They blush and gush when he talks to them, stare at him with wide adoring eyes. Press themselves close and try to seem enticing. They want his attention and that's fine because Oikawa desperately wants their attention as well. It's mutually beneficial.

Except that it leaves him feeling a bit hollow. The girls don't ever seem to want to get to know the real him. Oikawa becomes painfully aware that mostly, they love the _idea_ of him and don't seem particularly interested in the reality. Privately- if he acknowledges it at all- Oikawa thinks that this is probably okay. The reality of him as a person right now is kind of royal mess and not really something he thinks anybody would be particularly inclined to love. That's why when- very occasionally- one of the people he dates _does_ try to push a little deeper beyond the shallow surface he projects, Oikawa is always quick to dump them.

It's no surprise that so far none of his relationships have lasted even a month.

"Hey pretty boy~" Makki calls out teasingly when he arrives at practice.

"Awe shucks, you think I am pretty?" Oikawa says fluttering his eyelashes at him.

"Too pretty for me, that's for sure." Laughed Makki, "I don't like competition in my relationships."

"Too bad~" Oikawa sighs as if in regret, enjoying the way the first years flush at the scandalous implications of their sempais conversation and the rest of the team just rolls their eyes.

"But really, do tell us Oikawa, what's the secret to dating?" teased Makki, "You're all the girls talk about these days."

"Am I?" asked Oikawa pretending this was news to him while secretly soaking it up and inwardly preening.

"Oh yeah," Makki rolled his eyes before his voice went high pitched in imitations of Oikawa's fan girls, "He's so tall and strong and smart. Have you seen his eyes? They're so large and pretty you'd almost think he was western! And the way he _kisses_ -"

"That's quite enough." Growled Iwaizumi glowering at them with disproportional anger, "Get your asses onto the court."

"Yessir." Said Oikawa with a mock salute. Iwaizumi was always so prickly when it came to the subject of Oikawa's many affairs, it always gave him a secret thrill to rile his friend up as much as possible. Sometimes Oikawa even liked to pretend he was jealous.

"Yeah you two, stop corrupting the youth." Grinned Matsukawa. Oikawa laughed and stuck his tongue out at him while Makki simply unapologetically grinned.

That was a another fun thing about casually dating: in a society where truemates were the most prized relationship, dating randomly outside of a mark was considered particularly scandalous. It was a growing trend among the youth at the moment, but still edgy enough that no one could seem to decide if they wanted to condemn him or _be_ him. It certainly did wonders for Oikawa's self esteem.

The other side of it though was that most of the people Oikawa dated weren't looking for a long term relationship anyway, just something to pass the time with until they found their soulmate. He tried not to mind that since he didn't really want a serious relationship right now either. He didn't want to get into something with a lot of feelings and get hurt right now so it was fine… even if sometimes it was kind of shitty knowing you were someone's stand in till they could find the real thing.

The better thing.

"Hey Iwa-chan, you still want to study for that math test together?" asked Oikawa trotting to catch up with his childhood friend.

"Thought you were going out with what's her face tonight. Akane-whatever?" grumbled Iwaizumi.

"No, no, Iwa-chan comes first!" Oikawa tried to laugh breezily, "And anyway, we broke up."

 _It's been fun Oikawa, but I just got my soulmark and it's time for me to stop playing around._

"Are you okay?" asked Iwaizumi suddenly alert and watching him carefully.

"Oh course! It was only a matter of time anyway." Shrugged Oikawa playing it off.

It wasn't like he hadn't gone into it knowing that he'd eventually come second. But even temporary shallow affection was better than none.

"Hey, you know-" Iwaizumi began looking concerned.

"Okay line up and get ready to start you stretches!" the coach calls. Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi expectantly but he only shook his head.

"Never mind." He muttered.

"Okay, let's put on some _muuuuusic_." Said Oikawa sitting on the floor of Iwaizumi's room in his pj's flipping through songs on Iwaizumi's iPod.

"We're studying, dumbass." Iwaizumi says flatly without looking up from his textbook.

"Iwaaaaaaa we've been studying for hours! I need some music too keep me going!" groaned Oikawa.

"There wear some earphones."

"I didn't bring any."

"Wear mine."

"Don't want to."

"Don't be a brat Oikawa, you know I can't study with distractions."

"Good. We're both over due for a break." Said Oikawa firmly clicking on something upbeat into the speakers.

"Okay firstly, why is that song even on my iPod?" frowned Iwaizumi, but he closed his book so Oikawa considered it a win.

"I put it on there to broaden your horizons since Iwa-chan has such awful taste in music." Said Oikawa innocently.

"Yeah? Want to try saying that again ya'punk?" said Iwaizumi a vein practically throbbing in his forehead.

"Not really." Chirped Oikawa stretching out on Iwaizumi's soft carpet.

"You should really learn some manners." Said Iwaizumi even as he stretched out next to him.

"Oh and what about you? You'll never get a date if you keep being so grumpy." Oikawa teased. It was so far from being true which was why it was funny. Everybody couldn't seem to help falling in love with Iwaizumi. If they didn't at first then just give them a little time…

"Yeah? Who'd date me?" snorted Iwaizumi.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Oikawa in disbelief elbowing him, "Like, practically the whole school and then some has your name as their first soulmark. You could probably take you pick."

"That's not how it works and you know it." Iwaizumi said elbowing him back harder, "Besides, even if it was, I don't have anybody's mark on me so it would be a moot point."

"Like most people would care about tha-" Oikawa started to roll his eyes.

"Most people care quite a bit about that actually." Iwaizumi said quietly, "I know what most people think it means. They think I am broken. That I can't fall in love with people, but that people can fall in love with me. Nobody is going to want to be with someone like that."

"That's not true!" Oikawa said fiercely rolling over and grabbing Iwaizumi's shirt, "That's such bullsh-"

"I know it is." Said Iwaizumi evenly, "But that's still what most people seem to think."

"Who are these people? I'll punch them in the face. They're probably just jealous." Oikawa growled. The idea of people actually believing such ridiculous things about Iwaizumi was so ludicrous he almost couldn't wrap his head around it. The whole thing pissed him off royally.

"Pfft. I think I can handle it." Snorted Iwaizumi, "You'd probably break something anyway. Have you ever even punched anything? I mean, besides those little kitten swipes you aim at me every now and then?"

"Mean Iwa-chan." Pouted Oikawa flopping onto his back again. He felt Iwaizumi hesitantly take his hand and squeeze it.

 _Safe,_ his mind supplied, _difficult, but safe._

Oikawa stared at the familiar ceiling above him. Spotted the glow in the dark star he'd put there years ago, a sticker from a festival he and Iwaizumi had gone together to once when they were 9. This place had so many memories.

"Are you going to take everything down when you move out?" asked Oikawa suddenly. He didn't like thinking of the future. Hated it. But the thought that all of this might get torn away and packed in unfeeling boxes and trash bags…

"Probably not the first year or two since most colleges like you to live in the dorms in the beginning. Maybe once I get an apartment, depending on how far away I decide to go to school." Shrugged Iwaizumi.

"Oh." Was all Oikawa could say. Their days living like this were coming to an end. Even if they one day lived near each other or something, it would never again be like this. The knowledge sent wave after wave of grief to settle deep inside his bones. A tar like sickness in the hollow places of his chest.

 _How will I be able to keep going if I lose this?_

"You still going to check out that school in Tokyo on the weekend?" asked Iwaizumi.

"Yeah…" honestly Oikawa didn't know how to feel about it but he hid it under a cocky grin, "Maybe I'll meet someone cute in the city."

"That's _not_ why you're going." Growled Iwaizumi.

"Kill joy."

"Oikawa."

"Yes mom." Said Oikawa rolling his eyes before he winced as Iwaizumi elbowed him hard in the gut. At least they were back to a normal, safe-ish fight. He could deal with Iwaizumi's disapproval of his current relationships a lot better than he could thinking about the future.

"Honestly, you _just_ broke up _again_. Don't you think you should take a break?" grumbled Iwaizumi.

"It's wasn't anything serious, it's fine." Oikawa said defensively.

"Is it? I don't understand why you keep doing this to yourself." Iwaizumi sounded frustrated.

"You make it sound like it's a bad thing to want to date people." Oikawa shot back. He knew Iwaizumi didn't understand why he needed this. He wished sometimes he'd try though.

"Dating people is not a bad thing. Dating people casually is not even a bad thing. But that's not what you're doing." Iwaizumi accused sitting up and glowering at him, "It's like you're using them so you don't have to feel shit, and that's just fucking messed up for the other person."

"Yeah?" Sneered Oikawa sitting up as well, and damn it if it wasn't true it probably wouldn't hurt this much, "If that's what you think, I think I am just going to go home for the day."

"Wait." Iwaizumi said reaching out and grabbing his wrist before he could rise, "I am sorry. I just… Every time you break up with one of these people you get more and more stressed and upset and I hate it. I'm… really worried about you."

Oikawa said nothing to that. There was nothing to be said. But he did allow Iwaizumi to pull him back to his spot next to him.

"It's totally weird to me that you even want to have a bunch of casual relationships at all." Muttered Iwaizumi glancing away, "It's just so… _not you_. I mean, you're the one who every time you find something you care about you dedicate yourself completely to it. You've always done that whether it be aliens or volleyball or school or your friends. It just… nothing about any of the relationships you've entered seem anything like you'd want."

 _They are what I want, they're just the more unattractive side of what I want._ But that wouldn't be an acceptable answer so instead he just asked, "And what exactly do you think I'd want?"

"Devotion." Iwaizumi said without having to think, "Absolute devotion on both sides. A partner that would love and trust you and that you could do in return. Someone that you could go to the extremes for, but would take care of you when you did. I have trouble seeing you lasting long with anyone less than that."

"So… basically a truemate." Oikawa surmised.

"Not necessarily…"

"Whatever," Oikawa rolled his eyes, "You're totally describing a truemate. I might find one of those, but I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt that?" frowned Iwaizumi rolling over and looking at him. Oikawa couldn't read his face, but the intensity of his murky eyes was enough to make Oikawa's insides tingle pleasantly.

 _Because if I had a truemate it would be you._

Not that it was impossible to have multiple names on you, but somehow Oikawa doubted there'd ever be someone who'd suit him as perfectly as Iwaizumi. But he kept that thought to himself.

"Less than 50% of people can find their perfect match you know," Oikawa shrugged instead, "I just have a feeling that I am not one of them."

Iwaizumi looked extremely troubled by this assessment.

"Hey don't go all angsty on me Iwa-chan." Oikawa said with a half smile, reaching out and smoothing away the creases on his forehead, "Plenty of people never find a perfect match. I am not really looking for one: I'll be happy enough if I can find someone with my name. Though, even that-"

"They'll be someone." Iwaizumi interrupted him. Oikawa stared at him. There was a tightness, and almost pain in the twisting of his friend's mouth, but his gaze was completely convinced, "You're wonderful. One of these days that's going to start to register with people and your name will appear."

"It hasn't so far." Mumbled Oikawa, but he couldn't look away. Like usual, strength and assurance poured off his friend. A pillar of loyalty and support. Oikawa was afraid someday he'd be too clingy, too greedy, too needy and that would go away.

"So? We're still young. It'll be a couple more years till everyone settles into their core personality enough for us to really know who the soulmates will be." Shrugged Iwaizumi. Which was true, soulmarks usually appeared somewhere between people's mid-teens to early twenties and even then there were both "early" and "late" bloomers. There were even stories about people going through midlife crisis's or radical character transformation and that causing a change in soulmark. He'd never met anyone like that though. He wasn't sure it wasn't a myth, but there were still stories.

Oikawa still held onto the hope that he was a "late" bloomer. Even if it was a faint hope: he might still be young but he was already noticing that he was pretty cemented in a lot of his ways.

"Thanks for always putting up with me Iwa-chan." Oikawa said suddenly.

"Dumbass," there was such gentleness to the way Iwaizumi was holding his hand, Oikawa let his eyes flutter and tried to soak it in, "I am just saying the truth."

"I am pretty lucky." Mumbled Oikawa, "To have a friend like you."

"Yeah…" Iwaizumi's hand squeezed his. Then he was sitting up and using his grip on Oikawa to pull him up as well, "C'mon, we're not doing anymore studying tonight. Let's go to bed."

"Meh, I don't want to get out the futon." Whined Oikawa hoping his friend would pull it out for him. Hopefully shirtless. It was always a good excuse to watch Iwaizumi's beautiful muscles flex under his skin as he hefted out the pieces from the upper closet.

"Me neither," Admitted Iwaizumi not looking at him, "Just come sleep with me tonight."

Oikawa felt his face get hot. Sleeping together was something they still did fairly often, but it'd been a while and- but god did it sound nice to fall asleep so close to this person who always managed to chase so many of the dark thoughts out of his head.

"Okay…" he accepted, "Sounds good."

Tokyo university was a hell a lot bigger than the little community college Oikawa was used to spending time around in his town. He'd known that, but still-

"Here's the number of the person you'll be staying with. Feel free to shadow him to any of his classes tomorrow or take off on your own." The coach said handing Oikawa a card with information and a small envelope with a map, schedule, and meal passes on it.

"Ah, thank you very much!" Oikawa said with his best responsible smile. The coach chuckled, already charmed, and patted him on the back.

"You did very well today, we look forward to having you on the team next season." He said with a smile before departing. Oikawa took a deep breath and stepped out of the door.

The campus was a maze and he wasn't sure where to go. He could try and find the dorms, but his bag had already gone there and the person he was shadowing was still in class so there wouldn't be much of a point. Instead he wandered around and tried not to get lost. He tried to imagine himself going to school here next year, but it seemed so surreal.

Eventually, Oikawa ended up entering a small on campus coffee shop. There was a number of students studying about, but he was luck enough to grab a free table right as it was vacated. He dropped his gym bag in the chair and went to order the sweetest thing off the menu before plopping down to sip at his treat and people watch.

He'd only half been joking when he told Iwaizumi he was planning to look for cute people at the university. This would be his future dating pool after all. Iwaizumi's comment about him never going to be happy with a casual relationship nagged at his mind so Oikawa did his best to dismiss it. Casual relationships could turn serious. It happened all the time in the movies. Though if he met his truemate in a coffee shop at orientation he might have to puke from the cliché-

"Hey, any chance we can join you? Everywhere else is full?" asked a couple of boys around his age leaning on his table.

"Sure, make yourself at home." Said Oikawa giving his best charming smile. The other boy's were _hella attractive_ to put it mildly. Though the strawberry haired boy was a little bit short for his tastes. Still cute though. The other two were quite tall though. Perhaps taller than him, or about his height, which was impressive. One had a mop of wild black hair and sharp lines to his face, mouth slanted in a sly yet easy going smirk that was enough for Oikawa's stomach to go in knots. The other was perhaps a bit odd for Oikawa's tastes with spiked white and black hair… but _gods_ he had muscles that could rival Iwaizumi. Maybe. That was enough to give pause if only for the sake of eye candy. But the boy's face was also wide open and honest and strangely… compelling.

If he met no other attractive people today, he would be satisfied with this.

They all told him their names, but sadly Oikawa forgot them almost as soon as they were spoken. Well, if they turned out to be as interesting as they looked he would make an effort.

"You're a preview student also aren't you? For the volleyball team, right?" asked the black haired boy settling down as the other two went to go order.

"Yeah, that's right." Smiled Oikawa easily leaning on his palm. Iwaizumi would probably roll his eyes at him, but Oikawa rather enjoyed flirting. Whether it be serious or not.

"Ah, us too!" He said smiling, "Well, Bo and I at least. Yaku's not continuing, the traitor."

"Oh? Maybe we'll be teammates next season then." There was something mischievous about that smile that made Oikawa want to respond in kind. Mischievous, but not malicious.

"Purrrfect." Said the man.

"Bro, bro! The cute cashier totally gave me their number!" said the white and black haired boy bounded back.

"I thought you had a thing for setters? Specifically outrageously beautiful setters-" teased messy haired teen leaning opposite him.

"As if you have any room to talk, you both have a thing for setters." Muttered the redhead.

Oikawa wondered if this was a bad time to mention he was a setter.

"Hey, what if they're my soulmate? You never know." Shrugged Bokuto. Oikawa refrained from wincing. He hated when conversations turned down this ally. He was having such fun too.

"Hah, sometimes the soulmate match up is too ridiculous to take seriously so it wouldn't really matter." Huffed the redhead. Okay, maybe he would get along well with these people after all.

"Mutual affection is probably more important." The dark haired boy said quietly before flashing a smile, "Besides Bo, you're brains too filled with volleyball to ever date someone who didn't care about the sport."

"He's got a point," said Oikawa slowly, "I've dated a bit and its often a little hard to connect unless you have several very key points of common interest… and Volleyball is kind a big part of my life."

"You and Kuroo, man, I don't think I could ever just… date." Commented the spiky haired boy. Oikawa glanced at the black haired boy (Kuroo?) who looked completely unconcerned with his dating history being discussed.

"Like I said, if I really like someone and they like me back…" Kuroo shrugged, "The rest can be figured out."

"With neither person matched?" asked Oikawa in surprise.

"I don't see why not." Said Kuroo unconcerned taking a slurp of his drink. Oikawa tried not to stare. There was something about this person that just felt-

"But if it really doesn't matter all that much, then wouldn't that make the existence of soulmates obsolete? Wouldn't we be just as good off wandering around without names all clueless about who we're meant to be with and our place in the world." Frowned the other boy.

Oikawa grimaced. That was the common narrative. He didn't really like it, but it also seemed like the only explanation oftentimes.

"That line of thought doesn't really work because there are people who have multiple names on them and who are very much not polygamous. If that's really what soulmates are only for then those people shouldn't exist." Commented the third boy who so far hadn't said much.

"Or people who don't have any names on them." Realized Oikawa suddenly.

"Exactly." Agreed the redhead looking a bit bored. This seemed like a well worn argument between the two.

"I read somewhere that people are starting to think that soulmarks evolved as society builders: these people can work well together, organize them accordingly. It's thought that because historically marriages have often been seen as more a business deal or economic enterprise that that is how the two things got locked together. It's only in the last century or so that it has shifted to this obsession with love and marrying for love. When love is the emphasis then yeah, soulmarks aren't _strictly_ necessary although they are still helpful." Said Kuroo. He looked like he could talk about the subject for hours. Oikawa secretly wanted to listen to him do just that.

Because somehow, listening to him felt like hope.

"There's more to soulmates then just societal pressures." Said the spiky haired boy stubbornly.

"Agreed. But I wonder if your friend isn't onto something about the different things soulmarks could represent." Said Oikawa tapping his chin. Honestly, he only half believed it, something about the style of argument made taking the more conservative narrative less welcome and he wanted to be liked by these people. But at the same time the sharp and intelligent part of him couldn't help but be fascinated by the idea. Was it possible? Yet he almost was afraid to truly think about it. If he did he would begin to hope, and if he started to hope and it was crushed then he didn't feel like he'd survive that.

Better- no, safer- to have never hoped at all.

"It's okay Bo, we know you're an old fashioned soul and we still love you." Said Kuroo giving his friend an obnoxious kiss on the cheek that the other made a big show of wiping off and pouting. Oikawa grinned.

"You know, for someone who preaches about soulmarks not being a big deal you sure haven't took Kenma having a soulmark very well." Commented their redhead friend dispassionately.

"That's different." Kuroo said his face dropping.

"Sure." Said the other.

"It is not about the soulmark," insisted Kuroo and Oikawa had the distinct impression he was missing a story here, "It's just… me and Kenma, you know?"

"All I know is that whatever opinion you've managed to express it makes Kenma practically run and hide every time you enter the room." Accused the redhead. Oikawa wondered if he maybe should slowly start backing away from the argument. Fortunately, the redhead's drink was called from the counter and he had to leave to get it so conflict was avoided.

Even still there was a flicker of hurt over Kuroo's face that pained Oikawa to see.

"I am so sorry bro," whispered his friend looking strangely guilty for some reason, "Is Kenma still not talking to you?"

"I'd rather not talk about it honestly bro." sighed Kuroo before smiling apologetically at Oikawa, "Sorry, inner team drama."

"That's fine, it sounds like it's kind of messy." Said Oikawa hesitantly.

"You have no idea." Chuckled Kuroo a little bitterly, his friend was still looking twitchy so he told him quickly, "You and Yaku go grab some food."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I think I'll give Yaku a little time to cool down before I rejoin." Said Kuroo nodding with a light reassuring smile that didn't quite reach his gold eyes.

"Okay," said the other getting up, "But we'll talk later right?"

"'course." Said Kuroo easily before turning back to Oikawa, "If I haven't put you off, would you be interested in wandering around campus with me?"

"Oh, yeah, I'd love that." Smiled Oikawa. To his surprise it was genuine. There was something about Kuroo that reminded him of Iwaizumi. Not overtly, because in one sense they couldn't be more different but there was a… keen awareness that they both seemed to have for the people around them that was striking. It made Oikawa trust him far faster than he'd normally trust a stranger.

They walked out and around and Kuroo started to point out various things about the university. Apparently he had grown up around the area so he was already pretty familiar with the campus from previous events and workshops. Oikawa discovered that they actually had a similar sense of humor, a kind of cynical irony that had them cracking up uncontrollably about things that others might deem inappropriate. He was easy to be around and Oikawa felt like his skin tingled slightly with contentment.

Even if his ankle was itching like crazy. There must be bugs biting in the area or something because Kuroo had been itching at his hand for a while now too.

"Oh hang on, let me go pick up one of those fliers." Kuroo said quickly darting off to snag a paper advertising some kind of forum and give away that would be hosted in a moth or so.

"I wouldn't have pegged you as a gamer." Commented Oikawa in surprise.

"Ah, I like games well enough but this is for Kenma- erm he's a childhood friend of mine and he's an avid fan of this series." Explained Kuroo quickly.

"The friend with the soulmark." Oikawa realized out loud before he could stop himself.

"Yeah," murmured Kuroo looking away, "We've been friends pretty much forever. He was my first setter in volleyball, I was his first wing spiker, first friend I was allowed to have over for sleepovers, the one who taught me how to even play video games, you know etc. etc. I have other friend's that I am close too, but no one really quite like Kenma."

"Oh." Oikawa said. Without being able to help himself he felt a pang of empathy. It was probably the childhood friend + setter/spiker commonality that he couldn't help but draw between this strangers situation and his own with Iwaizumi.

"He was my first and most unrequited crush too." Kuroo added suddenly, "But you know, he's never been interested and honestly I love him too much as a friend to let anything get in the way of that. Hopefully. I'll admit that I didn't handle finding out that he's had a soulmark he's kept a secret from me for years very well… and it still kind of hurts that he wont talk to me about it even though he knows- or should know- that I wouldn't judge him no matter who it was."

"Ah, yeah that's pretty tough." Oikawa commented as they came up to some benches under the shade of some trees, "Though I think I kind of relate a bit with your friend."

"Hmm?" Kuroo tilted his head curiously.

"Well…" Oikawa bit his lip. To hell with it he decided: Iwaizumi wasn't going to come to this school and this was a stranger that didn't know him yet so he could say whatever, "I have a childhood friend kind of like that, except I am the setter. And we're really close too. I got his soulmark on me _ridiculously_ early and told him right away. I kind of wish I hadn't though looking back on it because he doesn't have my name and has never looked at me that way. If I had gotten the name when we were a bit older, I'd never have told him so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. Because I worry sometimes he does. And our friendship is so special I hate having anything darken it."

"You have… You have you _friend's_ name?" Kuroo asked, eyes widening looking like he was just realizing something, "Oh. _Oh._ Oh god… Of course he would- _god_ I am such an idiot."

"Huh?" blinked Oikawa not following that at all.

"Nothing, I just… things are finally starting to make sense." Kuroo shook his head before turning and giving Oikawa his full attention, "Have you talked to your friend at all about it recently? Or only when you guys were younger."

"Nah, Iwa-chan- uh my friend, he's a very direct person. He doesn't usually beat around the bush about stuff. You wouldn't believe how much he has to say about me dating people for fun." Said Oikawa rolling his eyes.

"You call him Iwa-chan? Dude, that's so cute." Grinned Kuroo.

"He hates it, but I've been calling him that for like our whole lives so it'd be weird to call him something else now. He's this buff fellow too that's kind of short so it makes it even better." Grinned Oikawa leaning towards Kuroo.

"Oh, that's perfect." Kuroo said looking delighted, "Hmm, you sure he's not just jealous that you're dating people? You're hella cute."

"Flatterer." Grinned Oikawa, but he couldn't help soaking up the praise, "But no, he's just trying to take care of me as usual. He can get like an over protective mother hen though sometimes."

"I bet. I've only known you for a few hours but I get the impression you can be pretty hard on yourself." Observed Kuroo gold eyes regarding him intelligently, but also softly.

His ankle burned.

"Ouch!" squawked Oikawa hopping and clapping his hand over the spot.

"You okay?" Kuroo asked stedying him as Oikawa propped up his foot and wrestled with his sock. Maybe a bee had gotten trapped in it or something?

Instead, elegant black script met his gaze.

Oikawa jerked his sock back up before Kuroo could see.

"What was it?" the other asked, but Oikawa could barely look at him.

He was panicking.

"Just, you know, bad bug bite." Even to his own ears his voice was a bit strained. Kuroo obviously noticed, but seemed to decide not to pry.

"Yeah, the bugs have been weirdly brutal today. I've got a pretty bad one too." Kuroo said showing him his hand with a smile that was meant to reassure. But all Oikawa could see was the barest hint of the first character of his name peaking out beneath the red scratched skin.

Kuroo hadn't noticed yet.

Oikawa felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him.

He needed to get away.

"Yeah. Hey thanks for showing me around by the way, but it's getting pretty late and I promised I'd meet the guy I am supposed to be shadowing soon." It wasn't a complete lie at least.

"Oh yeah me too. Though I think I am actually going to ditch," Kuroo gave him a smile that was extremely grateful, "You really helped me out today. I mean it. Who knows how long I would have wandered around with my head up my ass. I think I am going to head over and sort things out with Kenma."

"Yeah, good luck." Oikawa said. One half of him really meant it and the other half was still suspended in confusion and turmoil.

Kuroo shook his hand, grip firm, steady, reassuring, and departed.

Oikawa went to the bathroom and threw up.

He didn't- what- no- he _couldn't-!_

Oikawa called the person who he was supposed to be shadowing and told him he was sick, and then called his sister to come pick him up.

Since it was quite a drive over to Tokyo he had plenty of time to gather up his things and straighten everything out for his early departure with some charming smiles, responsible speeches, and proper acting like a properly sick person. The problem came when he ran out of things to do and had no choice to think about what had just occurred. Hesitantly he looked at the name on his ankle just to make sure it wasn't all a bad dream.

Still definitely there.

He conspicuously checked the name that sat low on his hip without being too scandalous. It was still there too. Bold and brazen as the person it belonged to.

Oikawa swallowed.

Two. He had two possible soulmates. Two people who were perfectly suited for him. And one of them was a truemate. God, one of them had _his_ name. It was what he'd always wanted, what he'd dreamed of: being perfectly suited for someone and them being good for him as well. And Kuroo- god Kuroo really was perfect for him. There was an easy chemistry between them that was similar in some ways to what he had with Iwaizumi and yet also _so completely different_. This was technically what he'd been seeking with all his dating he supposed. But-

 _Gods he hoped Kuroo didn't realize that was his name._

His name had a weird spelling, it wasn't unthinkable that Kuroo wouldn't figure it out right away. They were going to be on the same team next year though, there was no way he wouldn't eventually realize. Then again, Kuroo didn't have exactly conventional views about soulmates so maybe it would be fine and they could be really great friends. And Kuroo was seemingly in love with his childhood friend so maybe it would be fine.

Oikawa realized what he was thinking. He was trying to reason his way out of why he _shouldn't be with his truemate_. He didn't want that. He wanted-

"Oikawa!" Oikawa looked up startled to see Iwaizumi rushing towards him looking worried.

"Iwa-chan? What are you doing here?" Oikawa asked bewildered. His heart was beating fast, his eyes taking in the memorized face and form of his childhood friend with new awareness.

"I was with your sister when she got the call and came along. She said you're sick? Did you eat something?" Iwaizumi fretted slightly hand coming up to feel his forehead.

"I- yeah. Must have." Oikawa said. He couldn't take his eyes off him.

"Well you don't have a fever. Still, you should probably try and sleep on the way back. I've got water for you and…" Iwaizumi continued on pulling things out of his bag. Oikawa could see his sister in the car on curb smiling at them with a secret smile.

Maybe she already knew what he was just realizing.

"Are you listening to me?" Iwaizumi asked frowning at him.

"Always Iwa-chan." Oikawa and his smile must have been a tad too tender because Iwaizumi looked concerned and convinced he must be dying.

Oikawa didn't care because he was realizing-

"C'mon, let's get you to the car." Iwaizumi said softly helping him up and if his hands were lingering on him unnecessarily Oikawa didn't mind.

Because he was realizing even if he had a truemate-

"You should come be my pillow." Oikawa told him leaning heavily on his friend. Iwaizumi didn't push him away.

"Sure." Iwaizumi consented softly. Oikawa closed his eyes.

Because even if he had a truemate, it didn't really matter unless that person was Iwaizumi.


	4. Chapter 4

How to live with loneliness? That is the question Oikawa thought about a lot lately.

He'd stopped dating random people because, really, what was the point? He'd come to the rather damning conclusion that only person he was really going to want to be with extensively and completely was Iwaizumi. But fuck if Oikawa didn't crave physical and emotional affirmation like an addict chasing a fix. The shallow affection that had been showered on him excessively while he was dating a lot left a gaping hole of neediness that was particularly unattractive.

Iwaizumi was a steady, reliable, loyal, honest boy who was quickly becoming a man. Any person he chose to be with would be lucky to have him. Proof of that lay in all the scrawling's of ' _Iwaizumi Hajime'_ across people's skins. Was Oikawa really selfish enough to try and be with him despite the fact that he knew he wasn't good for him by the evidence of the absence of Oikawa's own name on his skin? Even if Iwaizumi never got someone's soulmark, there were other people who probably came a lot closer than Oikawa did.

The ugly answer to that was, yes, he really was selfish enough to want that.

"What's gotten into you lately?" asked Iwaizumi frowning as Oikawa practically snuggled him on the couch as they watched reruns of an alien abduction series.

"Nothing." Said Oikawa unconvincingly as he relished the warm reassurance of the body pressed against him.

"Liar. You've been acting weird since you came back from visiting the University." Iwaizumi accused, though he let Oikawa stayed where he was.

"Hmm… hadn't noticed." Oikawa lied.

Iwaizumi grunted in disbelief as he rubbed absentminded circles into the back of Oikawa's neck. Oikawa soaked in the touch. It felt like pure relief. He tried to focus on the show. Iwaizumi was already suspicious of him. He didn't want to give his friend any more ammunition than he already head.

"Cut that out, spill." Said Iwaizumi shifting a little closer to him. Damn it but his friend knew him well enough to know that he was more lieky to spill secrets if he was surrounded by comforting physical touch.

"I met my truemate at preview day." Oikawa finally caved.

"What?" Asked Iwaizumi sharply.

"And I don't really want to date him." Oikawa finished hunching his shoulders slightly, letting himself be steadied by his friend's touch, "He was nice. I liked him. I think we'll be friends. But I don't want to date him."

"And now you don't know where that leaves you." Iwaizumi finished for him.

' _No, I know exactly where that leaves me. Same place I've always been. Hopelessly in love with you,'_ thought Oikawa, ' _and it terrifies me.'_

"I don't know." Shrugged Oikawa instead, "I think I've been feeling a little disillusioned with the whole 'soulmate' thing for a while now anyway."

"I have absolute faith in your ability to find someone who you can devote yourself to." Said Iwaizumi with assurance, "Don't worry. You won't end up alone."

"Thanks Iwa-chan." Smiled Oikawa genuinely. Iwaizumi smiled back, always so much more ready to be gentle with him when Oikawa would let the masks fall.

"Did…. Your truemate, did _he_ want to date you?" asked Iwaizumi. There was a muscle working in his jaw, but his expression was intent and interested.

"Nah, he's in love with his childhood friend." Oikawa shrugged.

"Tough." Grimaced Iwaizumi with sympathy. He didn't say any more on the subject though Oikawa wished he would.

They watched the movie in silence for a bit.

On screen the protagonist was kissing her unlikely alien soulmate, succumbing to fate even as the world told them their love was unnatural. Especially because the alien couldn't form soul bonds, but was staying with her human partner out of sheer cultivated love and addiction to their physical relationship.

The movie was cheap and laughably corny, but Oikawa still kind of enjoyed it. He kind of related to the protagonist a bit. Oikawa wondered if that was an avenue he should pursue: trying to get Iwaizumi physically addicted to him.

He shied away from the thought a bit. At least the thought of sex. He wasn't sure he was ready for that, even with Iwaizumi. It seemed like an act that in any form would make him very vulnerable, and Oikawa wasn't confident enough that he wouldn't be hurt to allow that.

Besides, he had a feeling that if anyone was going to get addicted physically, it was going to be him and so doing that would be a bit like shooting himself in his own foot.

Still though, would that ever be something Iwaizumi would want? Oikawa knew that unlike himself, his childhood friend huge romantic. And while Oikawa knew that relationships could certainly work just fine without physical attraction, he had a feeling that it wouldn't be the case with he and Iwaizumi. He'd never really thought about it before, but was Iwaizumi attracted at all to him? Even just physically? Oikawa knew that he was at least outwardly a very attractive person, but the question was… was he _Iwaizumi's_ type? He hated that he didn't know.

"So… Iwa-chan. Which girl do you think is prettier? The brunette or the blonde?" Oikawa asked poking his friend.

"One of them is an alien, don't be gross." Iwaizumi frowned poking him back harder.

"So prejudiced against alien's! Send help! I've been friends with a racist all this time!" Oikawa said dramatically. Iwaizumi pointedly ignored him, "But really though, what's your type Iwa-chan? I feel like we've never talked about this before."

There was a long silence.

"I don't have a type." Iwaizumi grumbled after a bit.

"Sure you do, everyone has a type. I, for instance, like it when my partner's shorter than me, dark haired, dedicated, stubborn…" Oikawa didn't know if he wanted Iwaizumi to pick up on the not so subtle hints he was dropping.

"I really don't think I have a type." Iwaizumi repeated looking away, "I just… like someone or I don't."

"Maybe you just haven't noticed the pattern yet." Oikawa suggested.

"There's only… I haven't liked enough people for there to _be_ a pattern dumbass." Iwaizumi said.

"Well, who have you liked? I feel like I should know this being your best friend an all…" sighed Oikawa pouting. The only reason he'd probably never asked was the knowledge that whatever the answer it would make him jealous. It still would, but Oikawa really wanted to know. Maybe he could do something that would appeal more to whatever Iwaizumi's type was.

"I… No one. It doesn't matter." Muttered Iwaizumi.

"But you _just_ said you've liked somebody." Oikawa said unwilling to let it drop. If Iwaizumi wouldn't talk about it then it made it seem like he still liked whoever it had been and that made Oikawa very anxious.

"Can we just go back to your stupid movie about kissing aliens?" asked Iwaizumi unhappily.

"What's wrong with kissing alien's?" pouted Oikawa, sidetracked despite of himself.

"Nothing, it just… I don't like the way they portray… I mean, the only people in the show without soulmarks in the show are the… well, people who don't belong." Muttered Iwaizumi unhappily.

"Oh. _Oh_ , Hajime, they're not saying anything about _human's_ without soulmarks. They're just probably thinking that it'd be unlikely that alien's have our same customs and what-not." Oikawa flinched having never thought about it that way.

"I know. But that's the underlying message isn't it? Not just in this movie but a lot of them." said Iwaizumi a little unhappily.

"But- Even then, the person with out a soulmark, she still ends up happy doesn't she?" Oikawa tried to insist. He was probably never going to watch this movie the same way again.

"I guess." Shrugged Iwaizumi.

"Do you… Are you worried that you won't, you know, find somebody?" asked Oikawa softly.

"I accepted that a long time ago. People want a soulmate. And even with a mismatch, it gives people a sense of stability to know what their "competition" is and if they're a danger to their relationship. I am not stupid. I know not knowing if you partner is going to get a name is like a knife over most people's head. Or an implication that I could never love them." Shrugged Iwaizumi, a sort of old grief already in his eyes, "I wouldn't ever want to hurt a partner like that. It'd be better if they could find someone else they could be happy with."

"Not everybody thinks like that." Oikawa insisted. _I don't think like that._ Even if sometimes he did. But still-!

"I guess." Frowned Iwaizumi looking unconvinced.

"You telling me you plan to be an 80 year old virgin who's never even been kissed." Oikawa tried to tease, but his heart wasn't in it. He didn't know Iwaizumi thought that way… it hurt. His friend was so special, too special to be damned by something as stupid as the absence of a soulmark.

"Not the worst thing." Shrugged Iwaizumi. And he looked so accepting and resigned to his fate that it made something snap inside Oikawa. It was true that never kissing anyone wouldn't be that bad, but Iwaizumi looked like it _was_ something he wanted. Oikawa didn't think. He didn't- he just leaned over and kissed his friend.

Gentle. Almost scared… No, he _was_ scared. He was scared to pull back because that meant facing consequences.

To his surprise Iwaizumi's fingers tightened on his neck a bit. Tilted his head and shyly pressed his mouth back against his. There was an edge of sadness, of grief, of lost things in the touch that Oikawa wanted to erase. He climbed into Iwaizumi's lap awkwardly, unwilling to let their mouths break apart.

"We-" Iwaizumi mumbled shrinking back a little uncertainly, "We shouldn't-"

"If this is the only kiss you're going to get, I want to make it good." Oikawa murmured against his skin. He didn't believe for an instant that Iwaizumi would really end up alone. But his friend was depressed and… and this might be his only chance that Iwaizumi would let him touch him and Oikawa wouldn't give it up for the world.

He tried to reign himself in, to not get too greedy. He wanted Iwaizumi so much, but more than that he didn't want to hurt him. Iwaizumi was too important, he had to be gentle, he didn't want to make him uncomfortable or reveal how much he liked him…

To his surprise, Iwaizumi's hand slid down from his neck to the small of his back to pull them more firmly together. Oikawa wiggled a little and hesitantly wrapped his arms around his friend in return. He couldn't believe he was being allowed this. To hold the person he'd been in love with for years in his arms and kiss him so carefully.

There was so much _longing_ in the way Iwaizumi was touching him. His lips sliding against Oikawa's with careful control. His mouth was a little bit chapped, and a little bit sweet from the mochi he'd been munching earlier. Oikawa's fingers flexed on his shoulders. Reveled in the muscle and power in the body beneath his hands. In the calloused palms of and wing spiker, terribly rough, and yet holding him so carefully. As if he were the most precious thing in that moment.

"Hajime…" Oikawa sighed out against his friend's mouth, an almost inaudible sound of his bliss.

Whatever spell they were under seemed to break as Iwaizumi gave a light shiver and then firmly pushed him back.

"That's enough." He said, his voice rougher than Oikawa was used to hearing it, eyes blown a little wide and mouth red from their kissing.

He was so fucking hot, Oikawa couldn't help but think.

"Okay." Agreed Oikawa licking his lips and trying to steady himself. He noticed Iwaizumi follow the motion with his eyes before shaking his head and looking away.

"Thanks… you didn't have to do that you know." Iwaizumi said.

"I know." Said Oikawa, the ' _but I wanted to'_ was on the tip of his tongue but he held it back.

"Yeah…" Iwaizumi's gaze seemed to get caught on his mouth again before he looked away and moved Oikawa more firmly back into his own space so he could stand up, "We should probably get to bed: we have practice tomorrow."

"M'kay, I'll be right there." Oikawa said trying to go back to his normal chipper tone. Iwaizumi nodded curtly and wandered off to go get ready for bed. Oikawa stood up and paused the movie, which had remained running on the TV all throughout the past few minutes.

Oikawa stared at the screen unseeing.

He'd just kissed his best friend. He'd just _kissed Iwaizumi_. And somehow they were both still okay and the world was still turning and there was volleyball practice of all things in the morning. It didn't seem real. Oikawa licked his lips again, imagined that he could taste a hint of something _other_ on his mouth.

That had probably been a mistake. Even if life somehow continued on as usual and the kiss somehow hadn't wrecked his friendship, Oikawa had now gotten a taste of what he could never have. And goodness gracious if it hadn't _ruined_ him for kissing anyone else. Of all the people he'd dated, not one had kissed him like Iwaizumi. Not one had held him like that. Had made him feel positively lightheaded with the most innocent of touches.

Oikawa didn't know what he was supposed to do with himself now.

He went though the motions of getting ready for bed robotically. Washed his face, got undressed, brushed his teeth etc. There was a futon laid out for him on the floor, but even if maybe the distance would be good for them right now he hadn't slept in a futon at Iwaizumi's house since he was a kid. Doing so now would be acknowledging that something was different between them. And besides that he didn't want to.

Wordlessly he climbed into bed next to his friend and pretended to go to sleep as well.


End file.
